As all of you Mommies out there know, being a Mommy is hard work. There is so very much to just comprehend, feel, take in and breathe out, that I just can't put it all in one blog or chapter. It's indescribable love, joy, delight, pride, happiness and all at the same time, fear, disappointment, exhaustion and at times, overwhelming heart break. Moms, well, we worry. Emma just drove out of the driveway to go to a roping with her dad and I just stood and prayed at the door for them both. I'm THRILLED he is with her but that's now two people to worry about. We don't want to worry and the Bible is very specific about fear but unfortunately, we still do it. We are human. Dads have rough jobs too. Providing for the family, working hard, and taking care of the mommies is HUGE. Dads worry in their own ways but moms wear it in the wrinkles in their faces. I apparently have a terrible poker face, BTW. They read me like a book.
On the farm, you see a lot of life born and a lot of life die. This is especially true this time of the year with our brood mares and calves. This year, with the complete and utter awfulness of "the virus," I decided to try and find some happy and name new baby calves real names instead of numbers. I decided to name them after people that they resemble. So far I have "Rose, Fred, Pharrel and Groucho." I have seven tiger striped babies that look so similar to each other, I've had to resort to numbers. After Tiger King and Carol, I've run out of ideas. If I didn't despise that nonsense of a so called series so much, I would keep going but my integrity simply won't allow it. My book daughter however, totally outdid me in the calf naming department. I got a text from her a couple of weeks ago, and she'd gone with "My mom is a mean bitch" and "My momma will eat your ass" on her tags. I still can't quit laughing. This is a good Christian mommy too who is also trying to find the happy and laughter in this madness. Yes I have a "book daughter." I'm ashamed to say I've never met her in person but plan to remedy that very soon. I love that she has reached out to me and claimed me as her own and that we now share life together. She is a lovely person and I can't wait to hug her. (Hey Kenz!)
Being a mommy is my greatest accomplishment. Of all I've done, I am most proud of my two girls. In fact, I recently wrote a Q&A article for Progressive Cattle magazine and this was a question. They truly are my greatest accomplishment. But sometimes, I'm not theirs. I let them down. I say something I shouldn't and hurt their feelings and then I'm shattered. Or on occasion, they do the same to me. Moms are still people and sometimes we mess up but we also have real feelings. I do the same to my mom, and for that, I apologize. And, until you are grown ups, we are not your friend, we are THE BOSS.
Our first baby colt born this year was Lenny. I am now in charge of feeding most everything here on the ranch. Luckily for now I have Emma too, but it's me who is in charge of the cattle and the mares. I was the one supposed to be making sure they were okay. I was they one in charge of their well being and I missed it. Lenny's tummy was swollen and I flat out didn't see it. Could it have been prevented? According to the vet, it could not have. So why do I continue to blame myself? Because that's what moms do. Even human moms to animals. I love all of my babies. I once doctored a chicken people. I'm a good steward to our animals and our property. I believe that is what God intends for us to be. We are to care of all He has given us.
After Lenny was born, came Grace. Grace was alive and already turned out with her mommy, and with Lenny and Alice, and then Lenny got sick. He wasn't urinating properly. Lenny's Mom's name is Alice. This gets confusing but bear with me. Alice was tied to the fence while I held Lenny's little head when he was put to sleep. His bladder had ruptured and there was absolutely no cure. I helped load him in the Kubota. I was the one who drove him off in my handy dandy do everything machine that I cannot live without and really need to write a thank you letter to the company. I was the one who then dumped his lifeless body into the grave that the Cowboy had dug for me and I cannot get him out of my head. I was a complete wreck over this baby colt and his mommy. Needless to say, Alice was very upset when her baby was suddenly, gone and after we turned her back out, she would try and keep Grace away from her own mommy.
Then Astro was born, who looks just like Lenny. Alice standing at the fence, watching the new baby that looked just like hers, trying to get to him, completely freaking out, running back and forth, well it was too much to bear. It ripped my heart out. She was so confused.
It's been a few weeks now and Alice has calmed down. She is no longer searching. All of the mares have their babies and they all stand next to them each day eating, and Alice stands alone. I couldn't help but think of all the mommies out there that feel this way, each and every day, that have lost a child and I am so saddened by it. I am so very sorry to all of you parents who have had to suffer this unbearable loss. Losing a child, no matter what the circumstance, leaves a hole in your heart that never mends. Losing a loved one of any kind is just so hard.
We all know loss. I've lost my fathers, my grandparents, my brother, brother-in-law, friends, and recently, an unborn grandchild, and 27 years of hard work. This past week has been so hard in my community for some friends and neighbors and I have been overwhelmed with grief for them. Then add the stupid golf ball sized hail storm of the century. Add the Covid 19, which like the "freshmen 15" has added about 19 pounds to everyone, and the effects it's having on the elderly near to me, the loss of jobs, the not going to church, well I see how easily it would be to slip away into a deep, dark, depression. I've been going there. I may actually be there. Okay, I'm there. I admit it. I've seen signs and even scared myself a couple of times this past week and my daughter by expressing it. But I'm coming out. I'm digging my way out. I have to. Because, I'm still a mommy and so are you. I'm still a steward of all that God has given me and He has blessed me over and over again. I believe if we will all look around, we will see that we have so much more than we have ever deserved.
Just think about how much you love your babies. That's how much He loves you! EVEN MORE! And you know how you want to do everything for your children and give them everything their heart desires? He wants to do that for you! And He does! I refuse to let Satan and sadness win! I have to dig back out. Dig back out is exactly what I HAVE to do. (eye roll here)
Boot straps are pulled up. Knees are dusted off. Tears are drying. Pounds are shedding. WE CAN DO THIS! But we need each other. Encourage each other! Now more than ever. Being Mommy isn't an easy job. But we can do it! With God's help, we can do it! He has this! He has us! I'm looking forward to Him rocking me like a baby someday. I really hope He will.
Happy Mother's Day everyone. You deserve it! And so do I.
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