Guess what I learned this weekend? I am too old for Bachelorette parties. I think I speak for Jennifer as well. First of all, I'm flattered that my daughter would even want me there but I think I've figured out why. Funding. Moms are only invited to pay. I mean, the aunts and I are super fun, actually probably more fun than they younger girls if we want to be brutally honest, excluding the two mean tinies, but I think it's simply a matter of funding. The Cowboy agreed to all of it without hesitation which I thought was really weird. He thought it was strange they asked us to go but on further investigation and after the fact, I learned he merely wanted us there for safety purposes and backup. Apparently, he's not jealous at all anymore. (And believe me has no reason to be.) Good call Cowboy, is all I can say to all of that.
It was certainly a weekend to remember. The week prior started with relentless texts from Emma regarding me purchasing penis cakes and strippers. Okay, first of all, SHE is the maid of honor. Not me. Again...funding. Broke college kids with no job cannot pay for such things. Nor should THEIR MOTHERS. Nor should anyone. We have got to set some new bachelorette party standards for crying out loud.
Note to future bachelorette party planners. #1. Girls don't eat cake. Ever. They eat about two cupcakes and the rest of the $75.00 cake is wasted. It's dumb. Do not buy the cake. This goes for showers too. It's a waste of money. Buy chips...chips and dip are needed. Breakfast food, snacks, cookies and liquor are all a hit. Jot it down. You're welcome.
We rented a vacation rental home in a neighborhood in Arlington, TX. When we pulled in, there were literally signs on every border of the lawn that said "Neighborhoods are for neighbors, Ban Rentals." Well that was an immediate warm and fuzzy feeling, not. We were all like, great, this is gonna be fun. The neighbors are gonna be all up on us all weekend long. :( And night one, If we even talked too loud they were hollering over the fence. #2. Maybe check into the location of the home you rent. Don't rent next door to fun haters. In fact, rent one of mine! Please! :) I seriously almost left them a book in their door and signed it with a note saying, "People can still have fun and love Jesus."
Bachelorette party etiquette #3. ALWAYS, for any party of any kind, buy stick on mustaches. I'd bought them for the kids in the past and it was hilarious but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would be so much fun as adults. I have seriously never laughed so hard in my life and I'm 51. I'm not kidding. There is something about a woman in a stache that will literally put you on the ground with laughter. Especially if it matches her hair. I'm not lying. My sister in law looked like a real pirate. I was dying. That was a win/win. I was telling our friend Kenny about them and he said he drew one on a bandaid for a kid one weekend and he wore it for three days. Everyone that saw him immediately died laughing. I'm telling you, a mustache is a game changer.
#4. My daughter wanted a fiesta theme, again, what?? Who gets to pick their own party theme? Well me. I was planning my own 50th, unknowing that my family and friends were also doing the same so I was naming all the things I wanted and they were literally writing ALL OF IT DOWN. I had the Prince party of the MILLENNIUM! So, I have only myself to blame for her thinking that this is okay. It's not okay. You don't pick out your own party favors and boss people around. Again, write this down. But, being the weenies that we are, we all followed suit and granted the wishes of the princess. Well fiesta theme just screamed sombreros to me so that's what I bought. I bought her a real honest to goodness white and silver sombrero. It was obviously authentic because about 30 Mexicans and a few Cowboys in Ft. Worth told her they liked her hat and asked if she got it in Mexico. I said "Amazon" and I thought they would fall over laughing. "Much faster" they said. Much faster indeed, now adios amigos. LOL! I got just plain straw ones for us that were also hilarious and versatile. By the end of the night, Emma and Hailey had appropriately morphed theirs into cowboy hats to go with the Neon Moon dance hall, a/k/a the bar.
#5. Never, under any circumstances, unless it's the Chippendale's or Ramone from The Proposal, hire a stripper. "I can tell you are a good dancer by the way you drink a coca cola." This is disgusting, ridiculously expensive, he was not in shape by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not sure I will ever get those visions erased from my mind. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. You are supposed to tuck money into their g-strings. The poor girls literally threw it on the floor. He danced or should I say, lurked about for one song and we were done. I said "Thanks for coming" (or thanks for not actually) and he's like "No you get one more song!" I was like "Oh no we are good, thank you!" "Oh no you get one more!" Sweet Lord in heaven no please don't do it again. He did. We are scarred for life and out $400.00. So dumb. AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE NO VIDEOS OR SOCIAL MEDIA! Nobody else needs to see how dumb we are and I can't even unsee it from my mind. We had to shower just to get the cologne off. Somebody tell him that Polo is dead. Please!
#6. Eat at Joe T. Garcia's near the stockyards in Ft. Worth. It's got to be the most brilliantly run restaurant in all of America. They serve two things. That's it. You get enchiladas or fajitas and they are both AMAZING. AND, they only take cash. Brilliant! They are herding people in and out of there like cattle and never run out of food or take to long because they make 2 things. TWO THINGS! It's the smartest idea EVER! They also come with tacos, beans and rice. I mean ALL Mexican food is exactly the same anyway, it's just rolled up or on chips or flat or on flour or corn. It's so simple and brilliant that I'm angry I didn't think of it. I don't know Joe personally but I want to kiss him on the mouth for being so dang smart. Good job man. Be sure and turn that cash into the IRS. ;)
#7. A Mexican hat dance with a bunch of cute girls around a sombrero is always funny. Even the band thought so. Especially when the grand finale consists of the tiny stomping the hat flat. Funny. And, kudos to us from the band for being a bachelorette party who were NOT wearing penises. Not on necklaces, hats or anywhere. The bass player said one night a giant penis walked in with the party and it scared the crap out of him. He said he could just see it out of the corner of his eye coming around the bandstand. Of course he only had one eye. Hahahahaha! And so did the penis! Hahahahahaha!
#8. If you go out too early, the young girls are irritated because nobody is out yet. Okay, there were 11 of us. Who else do you need? We brought the funk. If you go out too late, the old ladies are ready to go home. Uber your own damn selves from now on is what I have to say to that and pay for it too.
#9. Dancing is a must. It's always fun no matter who you are or how many people are there. I will admit though that I've never missed the Cowboy so much in my life. If I was single tomorrow I would just be single because I will NEVER do the bar scene AGAIN. EVER. Plus, I wished he was there because we would have torn up that dance floor and showed those kids a thing or two. Emma however, was hilarious. She looked like a tiny dancing, floating mushroom with that sombrero and knew the words to every song. Her dress was entirely too short for my liking so I spent most of the evening, covering her butt. Literally, as you will see what follows.
#10. If you push someone, or as Emma stated, gently guided, ummmhmmmm, someone with a stiletto heel, apparently, it's an invitation to fight. Who knew. This very unpleased goth like woman person kept bumping into me, Jennifer and then the tiny inebriated sombrero wearing Emma who was taking a little siesta. She was leaned back resting, we'll say resting, because her feet were killing her in those shoes, and this girl kept bumping us. So what did Emma do? Pushed her!! "Guided her" out of the way, according to Emma. This chick spun around and called Emma a name and flipped her off. I, mouth wide open, turned just in time to see my sweet Emma give the double bird and it was on. I'm 51 and never been in a fight in my life. I was like "Well isn't this just super. I'm going to be in a cast for the wedding. The maid of honor is going to have a black eye." Well here comes the giant white covered bride who was about 6'5 with the hat and heels. She was on this girl like white on rice until she heard what Emma did to start it. Wow. She backed up and said "You deserve to get your butt kicked." MY MOUTH FELL COMPLETELY OPEN. I mean, she wasn't wrong but Emma is a solid 5'3.
We filed out of there as fast as we could, and this chick was still mouthing. Tiny Hailey heard her as she passed by describing Emma and that she was headed to whip her and so what did my tiny number 2 do? She chucked a beer bottle at her. Hit her smack in the back. This is back smack #2 if you are counting. Holy throw down Batman. I was literally peeing my pants. We were now moving extra quickly out the door, well all of us but EMMA who just kind of sauntered. I was FUMING. Two were in the bathroom and one was POOPING. Seriousuly? Who poops in a bar???
We finally got our troops gathered outside and this girl was standing at the door yelling and mouthing. Why she never made an attempt to come out and throw down I'll never know. She probably knew I'd rip her hair right out. Hahahahaha! Yeah right. The Cowboy claims it's because girls won't fight. They just like to yell. Well I've seen girls fight so I know that he is wrong but this one did appear to be all blow and no go. Thank you Jesus.
We left and the bride was displeased. Her story is that is was only midnight. I have news for blondie, it was 1:30 a.m. and and bar closed at 2:00. Apparently, she had more moves to bust. Oh well. Don't invite your mom next time. Or your sister and again, get your own car.
On the way back to the welcome wagon neighborhood, my stupid phone GPS wasn't working so Jana was giving me directions from the back seat. I was going straight in Arlington, now 2:00 a.m. and she screamed "RIGHT" and I turned really fast and hit the biggest damn pothole in all of Texas. Everything really is bigger in Texas. I felt like I'd driven off in a hole the size of a twin bed. I'm not kidding. How we are alive is simply my super awesome guardian angel that works OVERTIME, ALL THE TIME. I not only had a flat, but busted the rim. We were toast. These two black men pulled up next to me and asked me to roll down my window. Here we are, 2 a.m., just left a really sketchy part of town and I just did it. They were like "DUDE! YOUR TIRE IS SO FLAT!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "I know." :( They said "You have GOT to get pulled over!" I said "Can I drive it?" They said not to go over 30 or I'd bust a rim. Boy were they wrong. That sucker was already so busted. I got pulled over, called Triple A and Savannah and Jana had that baby changed before they got there. Emma crawled around but I'm not sure she actually assisted. Seriously, do not mess with country girls. They can do anything!!! And three girls laying under my car was HYSTERICAL. It looked like I'd backed over them. It's a picture for the books for sure.
We all finally made it back home about 3:00 and were exhausted. Most people left early Sunday morning, including the bride. A few of us stayed and enjoyed the pool because the sun finally decided to come out. There is so much more to this story but I'm tired of talking about it. The moral of the story? There are no morals at a bachelorette party. I say we need to change up the old ways and all go to a spa. Boys too. No more bachelor parties either! :) No strippers make the groom and bride so much happier and the moms. I mean, I realize it's the last hoorah but I'd rather have a massage from a licensed therapist that the Italian not so stallion lurking around my space for tips. Gross.
We packed up our penis cake and waved at the hateful neighbors on the way out. Adios amigos! Don't worry, we won't be back. ;)
P.S. It was Jennifer's first and last bachelorette party. She has barely spoken to me in a week and I think I heard her utter the words "I quit" at least once. Hahahahaha!
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