I woke up with a headache and the lyrics of Lauren Daigle's song "Rescue" going over and over in my head.
"I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you.
And I will never stop marching
To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you.
For those of you that don't know, she is a Christian singer. I assume this song to be about how God feels about us. I know He has an army and I know that I am a soldier in that army. I know He is my protector. I am confident in that, or so I keep telling myself. But I'm also a mommy. As a mommy and now a grammy, my claws are out and and I will Liam Neeson on you so fast that you won't even know what hit you. I WILL rescue my babies. We think that don't we? We want to believe we can too but the truth of the matter is, we are in control of not much. Sure, we make choices. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about life.
Lately, I have been so worried about so many things. The Bible tells us to be anxious for nothing. But how? How Lord?
"By trusting in Me."
Yes. Yes, I know that. I trust you Lord but I still can't seem to breathe.
So do I? Do I trust Him?
I literally heard a preacher recently that said he struggled with the same thing. I think we all do. I know I'm not alone in this because I've read too many books about it. But he said "it took me a long time to get it from the pages into my heart." That's where I am. I read it. I KNOW it but yet, I ache all over with worry.
My prayer list is so long right now that I literally had to write out the names and sit them by my bedstead alter just so I can remember everyone. And it's growing, not declining. More and more people added daily. Are there answered prayers? Of course! You've seen my beautiful grandson. But it's still so scary.
Our world as we know it is in complete chaos. My tiny daughter rodeos for a living. She travels all over the country, usually alone in a big truck pulling a trailer loaded with four horses. I cannot tell you what stress this causes me. She's not ugly. If she looked like a giant man, I might feel better. She does not. Stories of young woman stolen and sold as sex slaves HAUNT me.
The weather has been ridiculous. We had ice for days and then expecting 15 inches of snow on the following Monday. She was to leave on Tuesday for Mississippi then on to Texas. I planned to go with her because I do not want her to travel alone. But guess what? I have nobody to feed these 150 or so animals strewn about. I'm stuck here and it haunts me.
Our dear friends lost their best friend, then mother, and then their 7 year old son in a freak accident, in a short amount of time, a few years ago. They are still struggling to breathe. Every person who has ever lost a child struggles to breathe from that day forward. God knows this pain too. I have not lost a child but lost an unborn grandchild and that alone was awful. The fear of this, literally paralyzes me. I have friends trying to conceive a child and see their pain. It haunts me.
A dear friend with cancer, a young woman with cancer, my PRIEST with cancer, my oldest broken out in hives with a new baby at home.
Covid 19 ( and for the record I'm a little giddy that my computer cannot recognize the awful word and keeps changing it to cover) has absolutely reeked havoc on the entire planet. Life as we know it has completely changed. Thousands have died. Thousands have lost their jobs. Lives have been shattered. Some things will never be the same and this so called "new normal" haunts me.
As I've mentioned before, a friend was murdered in her own home, about 10 minutes from where we live just last month. She was shot for no reason at all, in cold blood, in her own bathroom. I ache for her loved ones. I ache for myself and I ache for the fear it's caused in all of us. Two weeks ago another two murdered, three miles from my home. A body found in connection that was a niece of a friend. It haunts me.
My husband has done something to his back and hip and is miserable. He moans in pain all night long and cannot get comfortable in any position to sleep so he roams about the house. I can do nothing to help him but pray. I've tried ice, heat, massage, drugs, sex, you name it. I have spent hundreds on all kinds of mechanisms to rub him, heat him and laser him. Nothing helps. I am helpless for him, and it haunts me.
The two weeks of below freezing temperatures feeding cattle, mostly alone, was unbearable. I do have a couple of kids that help me and they were invaluable but I have never been so tired in my whole life. I had muscles hurt that I didn't even know I had.
I've been having some stomach trouble for years and I finally saw a doctor who took me serious enough to run some tests. He discovered a bacterial infection in my stomach. Gross right? I've had autoimmune chronic gastritis for years but it sounds like this might have been a factor. I'm a little irritated and my stomach certainly is, that it might have been prevented had anybody taken the time to do more tests but they didn't. So now, I have a chance of it turning into worse things. As I waited for the test results, I all but wrote out my own obituary. Nothing but fear. My dad died of colon cancer and had terrible stomach problems for years. It haunts me.
As I wrote out the gigantic check to pay for the costs of the test, and this was WITH insurance mind you, I said "What do people do that can't afford to pay for this?" The lady said "They don't get the test." That's that. "Seriously?" She said "Yes, unfortunately, it's not necessary." Let me tell you folks, it's certainly necessary. And that haunts me.
I'm so sick of worrying! My mother is the queen of it and I swear I can hear her coming right out of my mouth to my children. I don't want that for them. Thank you Mom but I am doing enough of it for myself and your added long list does nothing but add to my extreme stomach pain and grief. I love you and I get it but please, just pray and don't tell me about my already long list of terror.
The one place we are to find peace is our church. Right? Well currently, mine has a mask mandate. They also have every other pew roped off so if several people show up, they have no place to sit. So, you immediately feel unwelcome. There is no room at the inn. I don't care if you want to wear a mask. If you have a health issue, you should not be there anyway right now. It's streaming live for your viewing pleasure. But this Covid is the one thing that doesn't scare me. I've had it. It was awful. But as I understand it, God knows how and when I will die and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. Here's what the masks do for me.
I'm instantly mad and so therefore, I can't hear one word of the sermon.
They fog up my glasses so I can't read to see the bulletin, the Scriptures or sing.
I feel like it's a full violation of my freedom.
I get an instantaneous hot flash.
Do I want to hurt anybody? No! Never. But pick one. Mask up or stay six feet apart but both is ridiculous. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AN ARMY! If I'm sick, I'm staying home. And please, wear your mask if you want to. Just don't MAKE me!
The one and only thing right now that is supposed to soothe my soul, irritates it and it haunts me. I feel guilty because I am so adamantly against it. All of it. The whole thing just infuriates me and THAT haunts me. I'm not a disagreeable person. I'm not even really a risk taker. I respect that they are trying to do the best they can and protect people, I really do, but I need a place to feel safe right now. I need me some Jesus, unmasked and wide open. It's hurting my heart.
The Cowboy and I went out for Valentine's Day. We had a nice dinner but my his pain meds mixed with a little alcohol makes for a violent temper. I argued over a waterer and it went from lobster to tears in a fast hurry. He told me that I am a coward. That I don't believe anything I write about and post on Facebook because I worry all the time. I am nothing but a coward. He said a lot of things that I won't forget. Unfortunately, it's what happens sometimes in relationships. Even in happy marriages, we hurt each other. We are human. The next day he apologized and suggested that I get therapy. I suggested a new job and residence and that's how the next fight started. (hahahahaha, just kidding) kind of. He was not being mean, he just thought it might help me to talk to somebody about my fears. So I reached out to a couple of people I know, trust and admire. Just saying some words out loud did really help me kind of get a grip.
Lent started so I had to decide my discipline. I always go way too big with Lent and make it super miserable on myself because apparently I feel like I've done so many bad things in the past that I need to make up for Lent's gone by. This year it's... not buying anything I don't need, no red meat, always trying to clean up my mouth, and limited Facebook to mornings only, preferable before 9 a.m. I'm actually a pretty disciplined person. But it's amazing how just training yourself to do those silly little things really pours over. I quit watching Criminal Minds one year and have never watched it again. The Facebook thing is LIBERATING. You should seriously try it. It's almost funny because after you have 99 notifications, it won't show more. And then it seems to kind of screw up it's algorithm. It's like, "Wait a minute, Trish hasn't been on here. Where is she and why can't we control her thinking right now" and it fries it's brain. It's all messed up and then I can't see my notifications in order or at all and after a while, you don't care. You don't need it. It's wonderful.
We all go through peaks and valleys. Life is never going to be puppies and rainbows every day this side of Heaven. It's not meant to be. The trials are what help us grow.
As I stated earlier, a couple weeks ago, three people were found murdered. Two of them were three miles from my house. True story. More murder. The chat on Facebook (which I was allowed to read on Sunday) was "druggies, drug deal gone bad." This gave me relief. "I don't do drugs, this isn't about me, I won't know these people." And then my heart sank because so many people do. So many families, including mine have had to deal with this awful pain of addiction and this could have been my family. Turns out, one of them was part of my family's family. How quickly I just dismissed it, it didn't scare me, it didn't concern me and then, BAM...haunted. I was immediately convicted when I uttered the words "just a drug deal gone bad." They are still people! What is wrong with me? I'm human, I'm numb, but I'm unthawing now and I feel you Lord.
We all get caught up in our own lives and forget about other people's problems. And it's okay for a minute. Sometimes we need to catch our breath, meditate on God's word, think about nothing and regroup. I'm in that stage right now. I'm working it out in my mind and in my marriage. I know that I am far from perfect and that I have a lot to work on but I know that I'm on the right path because I see my flaws. I feel the convictions and I immediately apologize. That's gotta be progress right?
Emma arrived safely in Texas. She is doing well and now back home for a few days. Thank you Jesus! My Cowboy has seen a doctor that is hopefully helping his hip situation and sleep. I haven't spoken to a counselor but have been praying it out an this weather has helped immensely.
This morning I found this treasure. My devotional basically said this...Some things are okay to worry about. You'd actually be heartless and silly not to. Like your children, your finances, your home, etc. We should care enough to plan and have concerns. But there are two things that we can rest on, never question and never worry about. "That grace has purchased for you a place in God's family and that, because you are in his family, God rules over all things for your good." Deep breath. "His love will never fail, and his rule on your behalf is eternal." Whew. Good stuff huh? Big sigh? It was for me. And I know this stuff but sometimes, seeing it in writing, just helps.
Romans 8:31-39 is some of my most favorite scripture.
"What then shall we say to all these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies us. Who is the one who condemns us? Christ Jesus is the One who died, and more than that, who was raised and who is at the right hand of God interceding for us. Who shall ever separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness or danger or sword? Just as it is written and forever remains written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE ARE REGARDED AS SHEEP TO THE SLAUGHTER." Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening to come, nor powers, nor height, more depth, more any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Rest in that beloved. Deep breath. God has this and He has us.
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