Aren't memories the strangest things? I love good memories and hate the bad ones. I wish I could make the sad ones disappear all together but I realize now, the bad times have helped me become the person I am. And hopefully the good ones have too. The experiences bad and good, help mold us. Without the bad, you can't grow. I assume that's God's plan. I'm a slow learner, bear with me Lord.
I love to look at my memories when they pop up on Facebook. I love to see my family, how much my children have grown and remember their accomplishments. How the Cowboy has a little less hair each year on his head and I have more on my face. But it depresses me sometimes too in that time has gone by so very fast and now I am often just alone. This hit me hard when I was decorating the Christmas tree this year, all by myself.
Okay, I'm not completely alone. I have the Cowboy and I'm happy for that, most of the time. This past week or so, not so much. Bull season, remember? I have a sweet friend that would love to have her wonderful husband back again. I keep reminding myself of that on the days I want to choke mine. Some people are truly alone. I am not that person even though he is only home about two days a week, and those days still consist of work. More farm work for me but pure joy for him. He loves the cattle and being out amongst them. Me...only when it's sunny and 75. I'm a fair weathered farm gal. I do love that it brings him so much joy but I'll never understand it, except when it's sunny and 75. And when the new babies are popping out with no issues. Those days I love. I will however forge on. I am a soldier. I will continue to endure standing out there, getting orders barked at me while snot freezes to my face just to please him. I've truly got to be a vision for him to behold. I am lucky however because he does come home at night. Some husbands don't. He's not out looking for another woman or drinking in a bar. He falls asleep after I feed him, this time of the year, in about 10 minutes, with his head in my lap. It's his idea of a perfect day. It's a good life.
We watched a movie with the youth group last night called War Room and boy did I get an awakening. Instead of complaining and feeling sorry for myself, all this time, I should have been praying for my husband. I've been really selfish. Even when he is being a jackass, I should be showing grace. That's what Christian people do. I it seems, have a lot to learn.
I've been trying to finish my second book and I only write when I'm happy. Lately, I've just been sad. So very sad. Therefore, no writing has happened. My creativity has ceased to exist. God still keeps giving me the ideas, my mind absorbs them, my heart wants to put them into words but my hands just don't seem to want to help. Plus, I get the endless lists in the morning with the follow up quizzes during and at the end of each day of "When's the last time you went to that pasture" or "How is the sick black calf?" or "What did you get done today?" and "Did you help Arnold feed?", "Are the spreadsheets done?", "Did you pay for that bull?", "Did you pick up the cattle at the sale barn?" Sure, I'll get right to the writing Lord. Somebody shoot me.
"Seleh" is the Aramaic word for "at ease" or "at rest." I don't know about the rest of you, but I could use some. As I scrolled through my memories last week, I noticed I'd posted something about being sad several years ago at this same time of the year. I wrote how that this time of year is supposed to be a joyous time. A time of giving and receiving our King but how I just felt so sad. 47 people commented about how very sad they were too! FORTY SEVEN!!! Why are so many people sad?
I've given it some real thought and I really believe it has to do with the memories. About what once was. It also has a lot to do with being alone and how very fast the time goes by. It's terrifying if you let it be. When you wake up and you are alone at the Christmas tree, well, the sad just creeps in. Well I'm done with that. I am declaring war on the sad. I'm making peace with the present and His presence. Jesus and the Cowboy. LOL! I'm declaring war on satan. We are all in control of our own emotions, our own happiness and I simply refuse to let him take away my happy, anymore. I choose happy. I realize there are unforeseen circumstances. I know this. I've lived this. But we can still choose how we get through them. A perfect example of this is my sweet friend who just texted me two days ago to tell me she was in the hospital with breast cancer. "WHAT??? I HAD NO IDEA!" I was devastated and felt so ashamed. Oh whoa as me and THIS. Emma and I went over to see her yesterday and she was positively glowing! She was a beautiful, glowing, warrior. A soldier. I want to be that soldier too. No fear. No sad. Away from me satan. (I refuse to capitalize his name.)
Emma is finally home so my happy is easier to conjure up. That kid is simply funny. I walked upstairs and I'm wearing a shirt that says "Wild and Free." She laughed at me and said it should say "Tame and Contained." That's no joke. That is exactly who I have become and I'm thrilled with it and I shall wear it with pride. I really hope she has one made for me for Christmas because it's so darn funny.
Let's all try and breathe, practice a little "seleh" and enjoy this beautiful Christmas season. The sun is shining today and the Son is coming soon! Rest in that, but fight for it too. Have a very merry Christmas!
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